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I had intended for the next series of posts in this blog to turn into a funny and yet poignant collection of entries, spending an substantial amount of time dreaming up provocative, fascinating entries relating to themes within my life. I started to write — and then I discovered Snooki Book Reviews.
For those not in the know, Nicole "Snookie" Polizzi is the star of MTV's controversial (and addictively watchable) "Jersey Shore," now in its third season. Last November, she "wrote" and published a book entitled, "A Shore Thing." The volume was not a memoir of her Jersey Shore experience, but rather a novelization of a woman Gia, who apparently wanders the shore and has a variety of adventures of some kind. Whatever.

The funny part about the Amazon book reviews is that they seem to be submitted by people who are actually highly educated. 

Here are the best of the Amazon user-submitted reviews (occasionally edited slightly):



"Whoever edited this book should be shot."


"A 300-page book of a child's crayon scribblings would be more edifying than this."

'"It is so nice to see Amazon.com marketing to the often neglected illiterate demographic. I only question the wisdom in presenting it in book format. Is this an attempt at reaching out to those who suffer from adult illiteracy, or a slap in the face? I do not know.'"
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"This book reads like a field manual for getting lucky anywhere between Long Branch and Atlantic City. Quite frankly, I'm surprised Mr. Wonka allowed her enough time off from manning the Gobstopper machine to produce such a well thought out work."
"Snooki has said that she has read two books in her entire life. Meaning that she has written half as many books as she has read. Could Hemingway have said the same? Faulkner? F. Scott Fitzgerald? I think not! Even in the realm of popular fiction, Stephen King can only boast of 25% tops, and he has never written a spinechilling tale of modern horror the ghastly equal of "A Shore Thing.""


"I've never used the phrase 'literary abortion', but I just did to describe [the title of this book]. It's like having an aneurysm in your eye, and that aneurysm decides to get drunk on strawberry schnapps and have unprotected sex with the stroke that's climbing up your spine, in a hot-tub full of skank-herp!"

"The chaper titles are a little ridiculous and there are a few lines that do not make any sense (like when she refers to Ellis Island Immigrants coming off the Mayflower...you get it) but the story is actually quite intriguing."

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"It's entertaining, momentarily, to have exposure to the Ewok's earth culture of drinking, whoring, and tanning, but that wears out quickly and we're left with a book that is the 2011 version of Jessica Simpson's wedding planning guide."
"Abandon all hope all ye who enter here! 
   In the annuls (no, that's not a misspelling) of classic literature, this tome is a standout. Had it existed at the time of his writing, I've little doubt Dante would have added another whole circle of Hell, circumnavigating its intricate workings."

"I never knew what it was like to stare into the abyss, until I read this book. I now realize the true depths of despair my soul can be driven to."

"I don't know where to begin. Snooks has the wry wit of Vonnegut, the depth of Dickens, and the complexity of Pynchon. And I -- I've been blessed with the gift of cynicism, sarcasm, and the ability to deliver veiled compliments. I'll be honest, I haven't read it. But even if I did, something deep down says that Ms. Polizzi didn't write it, so any judgment wouldn't be fair. Something tells me that someone ghost-wrote it while our dearest little guidette slammed jungle juice in the company of juice heads. I did, however, inherit a copy of the book. And it is currently being utilized as a coaster for my handle of vodka -- and I must give credit where credit is due -- it is doing an exceedingly excellent job at that!"
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(Editors note: this is my personal favorite.)
"I'd rather tie a very long rope to the base of a tree, put the noose around my neck and jump over the Niagara Falls and left dangling there until my flesh is gone.
   Then the "Maid of the Mist" boat can circle around my dangling bones and the boat tour guide will say, "Now look everybody to your right. That's "Skeleton Man." He chose suicide by falls once he lost a bet and faced the prospect of reading Snooki's book. Lucky us he now keeps us company at the falls! Now if you look over to your left...""
"The author writes: "A fart slipped out." Yep, this is literature, alright. Hemingway would be proud."


"It's really awful. Like "feel your IQ decrease about 20 points" awful."

"It made for an excellent kindling to get my grill started so I could cook some burgers."

"I had run out of toilet paper and noticed that someone had left a copy of this wonderful book on the floor. Believe me this ain't no Charmin but in a desperate situation it came in quite handy. Thank you Snooki for creating this fun filled emergency bum wipe."

According to Amazon, 359 0f 398 found this review useful:
"This is by far the best assisted suicide novel I have ever read. I was literally cutting my wrists as every page was turned. Bravo Snooki!!"
 


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