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The HHS Speech Team, circa 2006
Man, I was such a dork in high school.

For five years of my life, I gave up every Saturday between February and April to board a schoolbus at the crack of dawn, a vehicle that was usually UN-heated and driven by a maniac who hit every damn pothole in the road. By the time we arrived, we were usually strung out on coffee and hoping to God that SOMEBODY had black paper. We went into the school wrinkled, bleary-eyed and smelling faintly of bus; two hours later, we were the best looking kids in the school, complete with sharp suits, crisp blouses and the cool face of competition. It was Speech, and it was wonderful.
The sad news of the past week has brought up some memories — some of them good, some of them bad, and some of them great. I thought I'd spend the next few days detailing the ten speech memories that stand out the highest in my mind. In the tradition of speech, each segment is introduced with a quote from something someone said, or that has particular relevancy to a moment.

*Note, don't worry if you have no idea what the hell Speech is — the posts are structured so you can learn about the event while laughing your ass off. How great is that?
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10. "Did you know Bing Crosby BEAT his kids?!"
            - Tony S.
During my freshman year, a good portion of us Speechians would usually carpool a few blocks through town to Tony's house. Going to Tony's was a big investment of your time. Tony's family, you see, are masters of the Minnesota Goodbye. You arrived, were hugged and asked at length about the details of your life. At some point you were fed, whether you wanted to be fed or not. You usually intended to go home before it got too late, but you inevitably ended up curled on a couch or a floor, talking in a sleepy delirium to the people in the room.

Eventually, someone fell asleep. That was when the Minnesota Nice ended. 

We would quickly retrieve, from wherever it had crawled away into the basement, a singing Christmas doll we had dubbed "Bing." Google Images can't capture how unsettling this doll actually was. We would approach the sleeping victim, set the doll close... and press the button.
Bing rarely got farther than a sentence; the person would suddenly and violently punt the doll across the room while the rest of us would laugh, give each other shit and laugh some more. When we finally left the next day, usually around 3 p.m., after having breakfast, lunch and occasionally attending church together, we felt satisfied. You might have been giving up your weekends to speech, but I never felt like it was a waste of time.


Tomorrow: A team member has an identity crisis, resulting in hilarity for all.
 


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